The Royal British Legion

The British Legion is a secret society designed to manipulate and intimidate the local population. For taking part in this local village terror squad, members reward themselves with cheap drinks and numerous games in their exclusive skittles alley. They have a room above their skittles alley near the post office. Meetings take place on a regular basis to discuss the future of the village behind closed doors. This job used to belong to the parish council until the British Legion sent what can be only described as a hit squad to ‚‘terminate’ the parish council. Details are hazy as all of the Council were wiped out in around 45 seconds by an array of second world war weaponry. As expected, all of these events have been denied by the Legion however, off record we were offered an annual membership for Ł8.50 and a free calendar which features this years top pensioners performing extreme sports. Beware of low drinks prices and bingo, both of which could lead to a numbing sensation.

Parish Council Notice Board.
The Parish notice board is a misleading source of information posted to influence the locals. In part this is to help make things look normal for the village. However, nobody ever reads the notice board. An experiment was recently run by the Legion where a notice was placed offering a Ł5 reward for any board readers. However this was only claimed once by the legion’s secretary. Plans are currently in place to move the notice board, however relocation is yet to happen.

The Crown

The crown is frequented by local people. Non-locals are welcome, but there is a definite divide between the two. The locals can be viewed by the outsiders like animals in a zoo. In fact, from now on, the Crown will be referred to as Ă‚"The Zoo". The head zoo keepers are Steve and Rachel. Under their wing they control crazy biker Ă‚'Harvey'Â’. Harvey takes care of the various animals.
The Zoo has had a varied and interesting history. The roof was burnt off many years ago and then replaced by a garden. Unfortunately this caused too much pressure on the structure and was replaced. If you are to visit the zoo, entry is free and you may find the following information useful about the locals:
Neil. A retired professor of arts from Cambridge. Neil is into bands.
Tim. A car salesman who has moved to the village to concentrate on his interest in glass blowing. His finished pieces sell on Ebay.
Con. Actually of Irish blood but presenting himself with a Scottish accent, in his spare time enjoying poaching the local wildlife.

Jack. After winning an international baked bean hearding contest Jack has retired from proffessional contests to concentrate on his Architectural projects. One of which is an ironic, lottery funded, giant post Millenium Cow. This will be placed at the end of the rugby field to symbolise the ongoing farcical funding from the lottery.

St.Swithuns Church
St.Swithuns Church was built on purpose to make sense of 'Church Street'. It is thought to be an early example of prefabrication as the tower was added after the main building by a friendly giant called Terry. There are some pictures here. More details are available here.

The first service of the month is the family service which starts at 10 and caters for all ages.

Brown’s Folly

Browe’s Folly (possibly Browne’s Folly) is one of the landmarks of Bathford, standing proud on the Bathford skyline. It is sometimes known as the Pepper pot, due to its distinctive shape. The purpose of the Folly has several rumours surrounding it. One is that Robert Brown wanted to see what his wife was up to and built the folly so that he could see where their carriage was going across the valley. However, if his wife was so stupid that she had not noticed her husband building it, surely it would have been more simple and cheaper to trick the truth out of her or hire somebody to teach her the offside rule- something she would never understand, leading to perpetual tutoring and therefore the inability to leave the house. Over the years the folly has been looked after. A new roof was put on in the eighties and since then a group of various youths have been volunteering their services in deconstruction. They remove blocks and wire mesh from the windows and return them to mother earth. If you do venture up to the folly, the door can be opened with a firm kick. Care must be taken when going up the steps as they are very narrow and half way up the railing ends.

If you do get to the top there is a great view out of the front window!

The folly is soon to be secured shut from the inside due to the dangerous state inside.

The Cougar
Although Batheaston has claimed the cougar to be theirs, it was first spotted by Ron who was walking on the edge of a field behind the folly with his dog. His aging boxer spotted the Cougar first and gave chase with Ron in moderately close pursuit. The Cougar was later spotted by people in Batheaston and this was reported in the two local papers, the Bath Chronicle and Eastern Bath Liberal Press. However the Batheaston reports should probably be ignored as over 12% of Batheaston contains alcohol.

Post Office and Shop

The village shop is a co-operative where local people work for free and a manager is hired in part time. Despite the free labour, some prices have lead to the emergency services being called- however, this is all outweighed by the community spirit. The early days of this co-op have put it in good stead to become a thriving business.

The local post office is run by Iqbal who has run the post office for over 20 years. The current post office building used to be a pub and it’s final landlords were Paul and Ivy Reynolds. There were no plans to shut the pub until one day Paul saw a ghost. Having seen the ghost the premises was sold on. There is space underneath the post office which can be accessed from inside the building and from the main road from two arched doors. These doors now lead to the parish council who are rumoured to be trying to regain control of the village. These doors once sheltered the dismembered bodies of famous local murderer ‘Ernest Pembroke’. More information can be found on this notorious man elsewhere on this web site.

The Clothes Horse
Planning your wedding can be one of the most exciting and possibly, daunting times, you'Â’ll ever face! With this in mind, The Clothes Horse aims to make the whole experience as fun and exciting as they can. As well as helping you to choose the perfect outfit, they can help and advise on all aspects of your big day.

The Clothes Horse has a wonderful range of gowns to suit all shapes, sizes, styles and budgets! As well as dresses from leading designers such as Tracy Connop, Romantica, Bonny Bridal and Tous Les Jours, they also have a huge range of dresses from stock, often one-off, unusual designs. They suggest that you try as many styles as you can, as dresses often look quite different on you, rather than on the hanger or in a magazine. They will not rush you when making this important decision.
The Clothes Horse also stocks bridesmaid's dresses and a fantastic selection of accessories.
For the Mother-of-the-Bride/Groom there are a fabulous selection of outfits, complemented by a very extensive range of hats to hire or buy.
Not forgetting the man in your life, The Clothes Horse can also supply Men’s Formal Hire at very competitive prices.

The proprietor, Beverley Lee says, ‘We pride ourselves on our professional, yet relaxed service. Customer satisfaction is our priority, and many of our customers come in on personal recommendation'.

Bathford CofE VC Primary School
The school caters for ages 4-11 and is situated in Dovers Park. 5.4% of children are authorised to be absent. Whether they are present or not is unclear, but the school are aware of this as there is no unauthorised absense. It recently appeared on local news due to a shortage of space for eating- however the report appeared to come from Batheaston, possibly due to a lion.

Eagle House
Eagle House. Previously a school for children in need of special help, now a Hotel.

Farliegh Down Sidings
Walking along a public footpath opposite Whitehaven, continue through the fields on the path. This leads up onto a derelict area and to a strange looking shack. This used to be the entrance for an ammunition shaft. A rail siding went from the main line, up into (and around both sides) of the shack. Once inside, there is a big holding area and then a 2Km tunnel up to Monkton Farleigh. There used to be a huge rubber conveyor to transport the ammo up the tunnel. An overhead ropeway was also used which was dismantled during the 70's (which follwed an earlier tramway). The storage area at the top is divided into districts and was the second biggest ammo dump in Europe in the second world war. It makes a long, potentially dangerous and quite boring walk. To save you time, death and muddy feet, take a look at these pictures.
Farleigh down sidings.
More Pictures.

St.Anthony's (Holy) Well.
Ethelbert Horne published a monograph in 1923 describing local 'Holy wells'. Apparently there is a Well which comes from the south-eastern bank of 'Boxbrook', which is in the Bathford Parish. Users of the Well (or spring) found it helped cure inflammations.
A miss print in 'Eastern Bath Liberal Press' lead to Gordon Brown visiting to reduce 'Inflation' in 2001.

Portals
Portals is a business based just beyond the rugby field. It is the only paper mill in the West country that prints our currency as part of the royal mint. The security is extremely tight with armed guards posted just beyond the first vehicular barrier. It is probably one of the only parts of Bathford that is not influenced in any way by the British Legion. Hooters sound at lunch time and when the shifts change. They have an annual visit to the zoo as a treat on the company, the question must be asked, do they pay with fresh notes? Portals appeared in the 'Eastern Bath Liberal Press' in 2002. Record profits lead to the firing of the automatic weapons, leading to the death of a small unidentified mammal, later named 'Fred'.

Whitehaven.
Whitehaven is a retreat for people recovering from illness who require rest. The grounds which contain two very tall trees are open once a year for everybody to enjoy. They also offer free tea and coffee to anybody quoting the password phrase ‘It is time to shut the car door as the rain has started’. The tradition started the early 1930s when cars were a bit of a novelty and car doors were often left open. Servants would point out that the car door was open and in a role reversal the master would make the tea for the household. Whitehaven was used during the war for planning the war effort. This was an integral part of the ammunition transfers going on at Farleigh Down Sidings. Currently up for sale, the residents have moved out and are sitting on a bench awaiting further instructions.

Main village features